Overwhelmed...in the best possible ways

Being a mom is hard.
Being a wife is hard.
Being a teacher is hard.
Being a friend is hard.
Being a leader is hard.
Being a daughter is hard.
Being a housekeeper is hard.

So, this is where I find myself now. In the middle of a mess. A beautiful mess, as I have heard described elsewhere.

At times, I feel pretty impressed with my ability to keep my children somewhat respectful, somewhat clean, somewhat self-controlled...then, there are times when their behavior is a crystal clear picture of the sinful nature we all have exploding for the world to see. The boys are just like me, only I am usually able to repress my selfish instincts a bit better than they are currently.  As a mom, it is a daily challenge to love them just as powerfully when they are naughty as when they are doing something that makes me gleam with pride. In perspective, I must remember that it is only the Lord working through the influences in their lives that allows goodness to show through.  There is a not a magic formula or set strategy to insure their choices are always good or that they will never find themselves in some horrible consequence as a result of their actions, but as parents we press on following the only example of parenthood that never failed.  God's sacrificial love of Jesus. Lord, help me to know Your ways and how to best lead Alex, Max, and Cruz in them.

 My poor husband.  He assures me that he does not see it this way, but I neglect him. My attention is so divided, even when we are speaking on the phone or face to face at times.  Speaking of sacrificial love, Shaun is just short of an expert in it!  Because of his willingness to work into the wee hours of the mornings or through the afternoons literally caged into the 6x6 kitchen, our family is able to flourish. Being in the ministry, we will never be rich by earthly standards, but the rewards he is storing up in heaven are numerous.

Still waiting

So, through prayer, God has changed my heart and transitioned my worry and concern to anticipation as I await baby #3.  There in lies the problem.


Now, I cannot wait to meet this baby.  My impatience level is through the roof.


Logically, I know that any time I have left to wait now is minimal compared to the nine months I have carried this little one inside, but at this point of the waiting game, it seems like an eternity looking forward to the possibility of up to two weeks until I meet Zoe or Cruz. 


Every little flip or jab makes me hopeful that the baby is preparing to come, but not yet does the little guy or gal want to give me a true sign that I should call Shaun and prepare to go to the hospital.  I am so ready! 


As crazy as it sounds, I am bored.  Our house is still dirty; the "baby" room is still occupied by Alex; the basement/garage is still a dumping place for random junk; etc...but I am ready to meet this little one.  I have not been sleeping and know that the time would be much more meaningful if I was rocking/feeding a newborn rather than making another trip to the restroom or flipping this big belly over to the other side of the bed. 


Not complaining.  I know that for everything there is a time and a season under heaven, so I am doing my best to find things to keep me busy and distract myself.  Yesterday, I cleaned the cabinet and drawer fronts in the kitchen.  The day before that I went to five stores (plus how many ever stores we went into at the mall) just because I was trying to walk and be out of the house. 


So, I wait.  Sincere, heart-felt, deep prayers have been sent up by me and on my behalf.  The timing is the Lord's alone.  Shaun had a great thought that it is so neat that God already knows this child's birthday.  He has selected the specific date and time for he/she to arrive.  What an amazing thought!  Let me focus on that miracle and the amazing person inside of me rather than the impatience that seems so overwhelming.  Help me, Lord, to change my focus.  (but, let me add another sincere request that this baby's birthday is soon, even tonight...I really want to meet the new little one and find out if it is Zoe or Cruz)


Thank you for the freedom to come to You with the desires of my heart.

Ready, but not.

Soon and very soon baby #3 will be making his/her first appearance into the world.  I am ready, but not.  School has been out now for about 2 weeks and as I sit in my messy house I am at a loss as to what to do exactly to be ready.  We are excited to meet the little Cruz or Zoe, but not sure what I should be doing to prepare.  I have packed a hospital bag, though it feels like a jumble of random pieces of clothing.  I have washed the carseat to remove the dust and gunk that collected as it sat unused in the garage since Max last used it.  My preregistration paperwork has been mailed to the hospital.  Each week's doctor's appointment has been attended as the baby's heartbeat and my belly size has been noted.  Now what?


Feeling very large, but not ready to not be pregnant, I do not really know what to do with myself.  Sure, my floors, walls, windowsills, baseboards, etc., etc. needs a good scrubbing, but climbing around on my hands and knees and sloshing around buckets of soapy water or spray bottles of cleaner is just the bottom of my current list of wishes.  Hence, my dilemma (ready, but not ready)


I am going to miss this belly.  The belly itself will stick around, but the miracle will no longer be inside for me to savor as a sweet reminder of God's handiwork.  Instead, I will be staring into little dark eyes and sweet little cheeks of a perfect mix of God's creativity through Shaun and my genetics.  But, the kicks, even the jabs in the side will be gone.  The hiccups.  Oh boy, the hiccups will be gone.  There is a very real chance that this will be the last time I am able to host a living being inside of me and it truly makes me pretty sad to consider.  Flipping and flopping in the bed at night will be replaced with nearly sleep walking to prepare for feedings or soothing rocks to lull the little one back into rest.  The dreams of "what if" will be replaced by reality for which I am not sure I am ready. 


A new reality is coming.  Our family of 4 will never, ever be the same again.  While I know this is a good thing, it is scary, overwhelming, and a bit sad.  I have never truly embraced change as it makes me nervous and fearful of failure.  This moment is no different.  A couple of days ago I was having several mild contractions and while I knew it was not oncoming labor quite yet, it was causing in my heart an anxious spirit.  I will truly miss being pregnant.  It is ridiculous to think of being pregnant forever or of having baby after baby just to feed the hunger for such a feeling of delight in a pregnant belly, but I am reluctant to move on.  This, unlike so many life situations, is not my decision.  When little one is ready, he/she is coming.  In a way, that, too, offers comfort.  If it were up to me, maybe I would delay the birth and just enjoy the little kicks and flips all for myself. 


There is the truth.  I am being selfish.


Keeping this little one inside for only my joy is selfish.  Not wanting to lose sleep at night or pump or adjust my current schedule or share this miracle is selfish!
Haven't I learned this lesson yet?  No, I suppose I have not.


God, help me to be ready for this little one's arrival.  Help me to be overjoyed as I first see the little face that has been waiting to see mommy and daddy and big brothers.  Give me a selfless spirit as the changes that come with a new little one soon seem overwhelming.  Thank you, God, for the miraculous gift that is continuing to grow inside and help me not forget the sensations of being pregnant if this is the last time I am to experience it.  Thank you, Jesus.  Amen.

#3 is making his/her presence known

At the beginning of October, those two little lines foretold of great adventure starting once again.  We are due June 15 and will once again wait until delivery day to find out the gender.  The first trimester was full of nausea and general blah feelings, so I was so excited to enter the second and say goodbye to those ailments. Haha!  Isn't it funny that God has no use for medical advice!  Many say that once you enter the second trimester, sickness subsides.  Not so for me.  This blog title is without grumbling and complaining, thus I am seeking the positive side of the exhaustion and headaches that are occurring on a daily basis.  Here is my intentionally optimistic focus:


This baby is growing.  Every sick feeling, tired moment, ache or pain is a reminder that life is being formed within me.  I am currently, actively participating in one of God's miracles!  Having just finished celebrating Jesus birth, it is a neat time to be mindful of the feelings Mary must have experienced as she felt the Savior of the world kicking and flipping inside of her.  It is so awesome to have a small part in the amazing way God brings more life into this world. 


My family loves me.  Even the boys are, for the most part, being so sweet to their mommy as I go through these times of sickness.  They have given countless hugs and kisses, played quietly while I rested on the couch, and been generally agreeable as I look for the sunshiny side.  Shaun...amazing!


There are others who need my prayer more desperately than I and feeling bad is a reminder of the heartache or physical pain many others experience daily.  Friends who are not able to carry a child, who may give anything to feel nausea due to a baby growing inside are brought  mind as I look for Tylenol for momentary relief.  Those who have gone through the heartbreak of miscarriage or stillborns...I cannot imagine the hurt.  Though we have no guarantees in life on earth, I am constantly thinking of those who have gone through such loss and my heart breaks for broken dreams.  Likewise, many who are able to become pregnant are forced into bed-rest or hospitalization to secure a safe delivery.  As of yet, this has not been a problem I must face and for that, I am grateful. 


I will deliver this baby in a clean, fully stocked, well staffed hospital.  Missionaries and those who do not have the luxuries afforded us in the U.S. become heroes as I consider the uneasiness I would have facing delivery in less equipped facilities or no facilities at all. 


So, I choose to see the blessings of all-day-sickness.  While some of these statements lean toward negativity, I am trying to be mindful of the positive aspects...above all...WE ARE HAVING A BABY!!!!!  Does it get better than that?  I submit that it does not!

Inspired

I have begun reading 7 by Jen Hatmaker.  Inspired by her willingness to share the hard truth of each step of her challenge, I have decided to record my own challenge here.  I will not publicize the "project," to family and friends as not to make it an assignment, but hope that it is noticeable in its changes in me. 


Philippians 2:14 says, "Do everything without grumbling or arguing."  The following verses continue, "so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky  as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain." 


So, herein lies my challenge, to do everything without grumbling and complaining.  I do not see myself as a squeaky wheel or nag, but the room for improvement in this area is drastic. 


From the start of my days, I am already in a state of grumbling as the clock wakes me for work or the boys wake me far before my body is ready to leave the comforts of my pillow.  Their nudges are often met with ugly responses that are not befitting a daughter of the King blessed beyond comprehension.  This will be one of my first tasks to tackle with a joyful spirit.  As I sit here, tired from a day of motherhood, listening to the boys playing on top of the mountain of clothes piled on the couch waiting for me to fold them, I know that the morning will come all too soon. My grins of approval as the boys play nicely, for now, will be replaced with sharp words and gritted teeth when the sun peaks through the makeshift curtains.  Of this, I am ashamed. 


Likewise, the resentment I sometimes allow to well up inside me when I am faced with the tasks of laundry, picking up toys for the millionth time, or washing the dishes that are taking over the kitchen counters is ridiculous.  My heart and mind know that the blessings that cause my cup to continue to overflow are the reasons such "problems" exist. 


The laundry, a testament to the vast wardrobe each member of my family owns.  Never naked, never too cold, never in less than suitable attire. 


The toys, reminders of the number of people that truly love my boys and pour out that love through gifts.  And a reminder that both of my boys are healthy enough to play with all of the little, foot-stabbing cars and blocks. 


The dishes.  Wow!  How well we are fed.  I cannot remember one time in my life not having food to eat.  Not one time. 


So, this attitude of gratefulness is what I want to savor in lieu of the ugly complaints and pity-party thoughts that often fill my mind. 
May my mind be fixed on joyfulness, gratefulness, and praise.  May the tendencies to grumble and complain move further and further from my character as I fix my thoughts on Thee.