So, through prayer, God has changed my heart and transitioned my worry and concern to anticipation as I await baby #3. There in lies the problem.
Now, I cannot wait to meet this baby. My impatience level is through the roof.
Logically, I know that any time I have left to wait now is minimal compared to the nine months I have carried this little one inside, but at this point of the waiting game, it seems like an eternity looking forward to the possibility of up to two weeks until I meet Zoe or Cruz.
Every little flip or jab makes me hopeful that the baby is preparing to come, but not yet does the little guy or gal want to give me a true sign that I should call Shaun and prepare to go to the hospital. I am so ready!
As crazy as it sounds, I am bored. Our house is still dirty; the "baby" room is still occupied by Alex; the basement/garage is still a dumping place for random junk; etc...but I am ready to meet this little one. I have not been sleeping and know that the time would be much more meaningful if I was rocking/feeding a newborn rather than making another trip to the restroom or flipping this big belly over to the other side of the bed.
Not complaining. I know that for everything there is a time and a season under heaven, so I am doing my best to find things to keep me busy and distract myself. Yesterday, I cleaned the cabinet and drawer fronts in the kitchen. The day before that I went to five stores (plus how many ever stores we went into at the mall) just because I was trying to walk and be out of the house.
So, I wait. Sincere, heart-felt, deep prayers have been sent up by me and on my behalf. The timing is the Lord's alone. Shaun had a great thought that it is so neat that God already knows this child's birthday. He has selected the specific date and time for he/she to arrive. What an amazing thought! Let me focus on that miracle and the amazing person inside of me rather than the impatience that seems so overwhelming. Help me, Lord, to change my focus. (but, let me add another sincere request that this baby's birthday is soon, even tonight...I really want to meet the new little one and find out if it is Zoe or Cruz)
Thank you for the freedom to come to You with the desires of my heart.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Ready, but not.
Soon and very soon baby #3 will be making his/her first appearance into the world. I am ready, but not. School has been out now for about 2 weeks and as I sit in my messy house I am at a loss as to what to do exactly to be ready. We are excited to meet the little Cruz or Zoe, but not sure what I should be doing to prepare. I have packed a hospital bag, though it feels like a jumble of random pieces of clothing. I have washed the carseat to remove the dust and gunk that collected as it sat unused in the garage since Max last used it. My preregistration paperwork has been mailed to the hospital. Each week's doctor's appointment has been attended as the baby's heartbeat and my belly size has been noted. Now what?
Feeling very large, but not ready to not be pregnant, I do not really know what to do with myself. Sure, my floors, walls, windowsills, baseboards, etc., etc. needs a good scrubbing, but climbing around on my hands and knees and sloshing around buckets of soapy water or spray bottles of cleaner is just the bottom of my current list of wishes. Hence, my dilemma (ready, but not ready)
I am going to miss this belly. The belly itself will stick around, but the miracle will no longer be inside for me to savor as a sweet reminder of God's handiwork. Instead, I will be staring into little dark eyes and sweet little cheeks of a perfect mix of God's creativity through Shaun and my genetics. But, the kicks, even the jabs in the side will be gone. The hiccups. Oh boy, the hiccups will be gone. There is a very real chance that this will be the last time I am able to host a living being inside of me and it truly makes me pretty sad to consider. Flipping and flopping in the bed at night will be replaced with nearly sleep walking to prepare for feedings or soothing rocks to lull the little one back into rest. The dreams of "what if" will be replaced by reality for which I am not sure I am ready.
A new reality is coming. Our family of 4 will never, ever be the same again. While I know this is a good thing, it is scary, overwhelming, and a bit sad. I have never truly embraced change as it makes me nervous and fearful of failure. This moment is no different. A couple of days ago I was having several mild contractions and while I knew it was not oncoming labor quite yet, it was causing in my heart an anxious spirit. I will truly miss being pregnant. It is ridiculous to think of being pregnant forever or of having baby after baby just to feed the hunger for such a feeling of delight in a pregnant belly, but I am reluctant to move on. This, unlike so many life situations, is not my decision. When little one is ready, he/she is coming. In a way, that, too, offers comfort. If it were up to me, maybe I would delay the birth and just enjoy the little kicks and flips all for myself.
There is the truth. I am being selfish.
Keeping this little one inside for only my joy is selfish. Not wanting to lose sleep at night or pump or adjust my current schedule or share this miracle is selfish!
Haven't I learned this lesson yet? No, I suppose I have not.
God, help me to be ready for this little one's arrival. Help me to be overjoyed as I first see the little face that has been waiting to see mommy and daddy and big brothers. Give me a selfless spirit as the changes that come with a new little one soon seem overwhelming. Thank you, God, for the miraculous gift that is continuing to grow inside and help me not forget the sensations of being pregnant if this is the last time I am to experience it. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.
Feeling very large, but not ready to not be pregnant, I do not really know what to do with myself. Sure, my floors, walls, windowsills, baseboards, etc., etc. needs a good scrubbing, but climbing around on my hands and knees and sloshing around buckets of soapy water or spray bottles of cleaner is just the bottom of my current list of wishes. Hence, my dilemma (ready, but not ready)
I am going to miss this belly. The belly itself will stick around, but the miracle will no longer be inside for me to savor as a sweet reminder of God's handiwork. Instead, I will be staring into little dark eyes and sweet little cheeks of a perfect mix of God's creativity through Shaun and my genetics. But, the kicks, even the jabs in the side will be gone. The hiccups. Oh boy, the hiccups will be gone. There is a very real chance that this will be the last time I am able to host a living being inside of me and it truly makes me pretty sad to consider. Flipping and flopping in the bed at night will be replaced with nearly sleep walking to prepare for feedings or soothing rocks to lull the little one back into rest. The dreams of "what if" will be replaced by reality for which I am not sure I am ready.
A new reality is coming. Our family of 4 will never, ever be the same again. While I know this is a good thing, it is scary, overwhelming, and a bit sad. I have never truly embraced change as it makes me nervous and fearful of failure. This moment is no different. A couple of days ago I was having several mild contractions and while I knew it was not oncoming labor quite yet, it was causing in my heart an anxious spirit. I will truly miss being pregnant. It is ridiculous to think of being pregnant forever or of having baby after baby just to feed the hunger for such a feeling of delight in a pregnant belly, but I am reluctant to move on. This, unlike so many life situations, is not my decision. When little one is ready, he/she is coming. In a way, that, too, offers comfort. If it were up to me, maybe I would delay the birth and just enjoy the little kicks and flips all for myself.
There is the truth. I am being selfish.
Keeping this little one inside for only my joy is selfish. Not wanting to lose sleep at night or pump or adjust my current schedule or share this miracle is selfish!
Haven't I learned this lesson yet? No, I suppose I have not.
God, help me to be ready for this little one's arrival. Help me to be overjoyed as I first see the little face that has been waiting to see mommy and daddy and big brothers. Give me a selfless spirit as the changes that come with a new little one soon seem overwhelming. Thank you, God, for the miraculous gift that is continuing to grow inside and help me not forget the sensations of being pregnant if this is the last time I am to experience it. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.
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