Ready, but not.

Soon and very soon baby #3 will be making his/her first appearance into the world.  I am ready, but not.  School has been out now for about 2 weeks and as I sit in my messy house I am at a loss as to what to do exactly to be ready.  We are excited to meet the little Cruz or Zoe, but not sure what I should be doing to prepare.  I have packed a hospital bag, though it feels like a jumble of random pieces of clothing.  I have washed the carseat to remove the dust and gunk that collected as it sat unused in the garage since Max last used it.  My preregistration paperwork has been mailed to the hospital.  Each week's doctor's appointment has been attended as the baby's heartbeat and my belly size has been noted.  Now what?


Feeling very large, but not ready to not be pregnant, I do not really know what to do with myself.  Sure, my floors, walls, windowsills, baseboards, etc., etc. needs a good scrubbing, but climbing around on my hands and knees and sloshing around buckets of soapy water or spray bottles of cleaner is just the bottom of my current list of wishes.  Hence, my dilemma (ready, but not ready)


I am going to miss this belly.  The belly itself will stick around, but the miracle will no longer be inside for me to savor as a sweet reminder of God's handiwork.  Instead, I will be staring into little dark eyes and sweet little cheeks of a perfect mix of God's creativity through Shaun and my genetics.  But, the kicks, even the jabs in the side will be gone.  The hiccups.  Oh boy, the hiccups will be gone.  There is a very real chance that this will be the last time I am able to host a living being inside of me and it truly makes me pretty sad to consider.  Flipping and flopping in the bed at night will be replaced with nearly sleep walking to prepare for feedings or soothing rocks to lull the little one back into rest.  The dreams of "what if" will be replaced by reality for which I am not sure I am ready. 


A new reality is coming.  Our family of 4 will never, ever be the same again.  While I know this is a good thing, it is scary, overwhelming, and a bit sad.  I have never truly embraced change as it makes me nervous and fearful of failure.  This moment is no different.  A couple of days ago I was having several mild contractions and while I knew it was not oncoming labor quite yet, it was causing in my heart an anxious spirit.  I will truly miss being pregnant.  It is ridiculous to think of being pregnant forever or of having baby after baby just to feed the hunger for such a feeling of delight in a pregnant belly, but I am reluctant to move on.  This, unlike so many life situations, is not my decision.  When little one is ready, he/she is coming.  In a way, that, too, offers comfort.  If it were up to me, maybe I would delay the birth and just enjoy the little kicks and flips all for myself. 


There is the truth.  I am being selfish.


Keeping this little one inside for only my joy is selfish.  Not wanting to lose sleep at night or pump or adjust my current schedule or share this miracle is selfish!
Haven't I learned this lesson yet?  No, I suppose I have not.


God, help me to be ready for this little one's arrival.  Help me to be overjoyed as I first see the little face that has been waiting to see mommy and daddy and big brothers.  Give me a selfless spirit as the changes that come with a new little one soon seem overwhelming.  Thank you, God, for the miraculous gift that is continuing to grow inside and help me not forget the sensations of being pregnant if this is the last time I am to experience it.  Thank you, Jesus.  Amen.